Revelations After Having No Internet Access Day!

1. Only nine e-mails.

Which is fine, really. Only one of those was legitimate (note: if the others were legitimate, my apologies for all those slutty teens. I hope you are swallowing multivitamins, and nothing else. Please resend your e-mail with a title that will keep me from deleting your correspondence. Like, "Te3ns_Luv2 Swa**0 Centroo0Om Slvr NOT_SPAM_OK?)

I am disappointed that the Grand Wizard Glick did not respond. I knew he would not. I am still disappointed. This is the stupidest way people die, seriously.

But who did? . .

2. Grand Wizard Lonecub's oral surgery went terribly wrong.

There's nothing funny to say (but I'm gonna do it, for supportive reasons).

To find out how drugs are supposed to affect you, I asked a sweet girl we know, named B. How did I find her? Easy! I got into my car and unbuckled my seatbelt. Then I died (I tried to contact Keith Richards, but he was to busy openly masturbating to a Puffy Amiyumi cartoon. And he was twelve feet away and too high to contact).

Well, B told me a funny thing: drugs are supposed to make you not feel pain. Sometimes the pain is the sweet ache of having run out of drugs, true, but whatever your pain is, it gets fixed. The Wiz's pain was in full effect. The drug they gave to paralyze him, however, worked fine. Kids, don't do drugs. Doctors, please do drugs right. Keith Richards, please do drugs and rock me senseless and climb a palm tree (palm tree?) and then fall out of it and then STILL FREAKING LIVE. I think he did some group sex with Rasputin, Jason Voorhees, and Wolverine, and caught some weird disease.

3. Two Presidents Died on Independence Day.

I watched Headline News all day. No dice.

4. Now That I have High-Speed Internet Access, TV Is WORSE!

There is no joke there. I'd watch Food Network to see Good Eats and the cute "Ham on the Street" guy, and that's it. Look at the cherry tree I just cut down, television. And, you blow (that presedential reference was brought to you by freedom!).

5. Doing the Freedom Forth Dance Is The Greatest.

1- Drink a Rolling Rock.
2- Light up a snake pellet.
3- Get drunk watching your neighbor's fireworks.
4- Try to get the courage to call someone.
5- Fail.

Be sure "Ferdinan the Imposter" by The Band is playing!