Top 5 Most Outrageous Moments In Rock History (According to The Major Briggs Trio, Not VH1)

5 - L** Ya**el Says "Pu**y" During "El Toro"

The concept is simple, classic even. Let the band (may I humbly suggest one called Buttsex?) play a riff so cliched it borders on racism. When the riff stops, and it is your turn, say something funny. House favorites are inside jokes, but anything goes.

Was "pu**y" the first word you thought of? Are you wearing an AC/DC t-shirt? Thanks for reading, L**!

4 - The Major Briggs Trio Replaces Bill B At Keyboards

Mainly this is shocking because I am one of the worst musicians ever. But I am an honest and expressive soundsmith and a good listener, which was exactly what a band dedicated to making fun the poor lyrics of someone with a man crush on Morrisey needed at the time.

Two important points:

1) I took the name "Salty Miss Clairol" for the stage at this juncture.

2) Bill B would, in an event that can only be described as both "outrageous" and "Rock And Roll", get a bj from my girlfriend, who was living with her ex-girlfriend at the time. Read that last sentance again. Also, good effing LORD.

3 - David Bowie's Return From Berlin With Fascism On His Mind

This happened in 1976, the year of my birth. And for good measure Boy George was waiting for him in the train station. One of the few ways you can be linked to Bowie and Boy George without the use of male genetalia and/or cocaine.

2 - Tie: Anal Conan Presents "Destroyer"/"Grow the Hair Past The Heart"

One withou the mighty Ray Gun, one with. Maybe not my best showing, maybe so, but certainly my favorites. Te outrageousness is derived from the fact that I did ok on each.

1 - Gentlemen Prefer AIDS

The lost albums, coupled with "D**k My F**k", are my best showing. A cry for help. Rock and Roll without a doubt, and outrageous in it's own right. Hooray for Rock, be it dead or alive.

How Brave Was The Major Briggs Trio Today?

-- At the Mazzio's Pizza buffet, I ate a piece of pepperoni pizza with a piece of chocolate chip pizza on top of it. This is brave because 1) I have a serious, heart-stopping neurosis about dinner and dessert needing to be on opposite plates, never mind not touching ever; 2)the pizza bordered on being so unedible as to not be considered food; and 3) if the appearance and actions of the other diners were any indication, a less-germ-sharing-intensive act than handling the serving tongs would have been fellating the handle of the bathroom's urinal.
Speaking of which. . .



-- At the bathroom at said pizza joint, I peed in the urinal. The urinal about a foot off of the floor, with no walls and right next to the sink and the door with full view of the dining floor (Who designed that setup? Lance Bass?).
This is not some sort of social phobia baby step for me. Remember that scene in The Matrix? That jump? Remember that scene from Carrie? "They're all gonna laugh at you"? That one? If those two scenes had a baby, it would be nodding it's head in complete understanding.
Many of the patrons (and by "many" I mean "the three that I remember with frightning clarity before the defense mechanisms of my brain started to clean house up there") might remember a nervous man with his wang unabashledy exposed peeing with a slight, audible stutter in the stream as they entered the restroom. Not that I remember how people pee, but surely they realized, too, that this was a special occasion replete with bravery. Some clapped. Some openly wept. Others washed their hands.


-- I talked on my cell phone to some employees while I was on the toilet, and totally kept my cool.